The Xepera P 1
Our community is unique. It explores the “taboo” of common dayside society and indulges on our inner cravings and needs to a point. It also gives us a place to reveal our true selves, what we mask daily to go about our lives but at night, away from the day job, the day friends, we unleash. So many have come to find solace in this that it has developed even into a sub-culture all of its own.
It is imperfect though, our nightside society. There is still prejudice between kins, within the vampire kin itself, and even the processes of awakenings and siring; arguments that have just the same prejudice as the dayside community’s arguments over skin color or birthplace.
The community came publicly into being in the 1990s and has been referred to as one of finding your true self and reaching your full potential, a place where you awaken in your own way and everyone has something to add, something of their very own that can’t be duplicated. In celebration of this, we asked the community to share their awakenings with us and their views:
2. The act of awaking from sleep
3. A revival of interest or attention
4. A recognition, realization, or coming into awareness of something.
5. A renewal of interest in religion, especially in a community; a revival.”
“Porita is a hybrid of Vampyre, Mermaid, and Fae who lives in Californa and has been involved with the community for 7 years.
How old where you when you first realized that perhaps you weren’t like the rest?
I was sort of a late bloomer. I was around 30 when I discovered about being a vampire, I grew up with psychic abilities from a young age, But never saw myself as vampiric in nature.
What was it like realizing you had abilities when you were young that others didn’t?
Confusing. To me it was natural, but others would see me as a freak. My church excommunicated me for asking too many questions and called me a witch.
And what kind of questions did you ask if you don’t mind answering?
I basically asked how could Satan be red and have a pitch fork, if the bible said that he was the most beautiful angel in heaven. Similar things cropped up over the years, I was only ten at the time
What was it like through the years growing like that, did you feel like it was a burden?
Yes, because I often had to lie to not only me but everyone, I never could be myself.
Except when I got older and discovered other witches if one prefers to call it that, but even then I had to keep that part secret, I ended up losing my children because of it.
Losing your children?
Yes, when my ex husband discovered that I was practicing Wicca he told the welfare, they said that it was an unsafe environment for my children.
I am sorry to hear that
I wonder what they would think now. Thank you, It is not easy.
You said you discovered being a vampyre at 30, what lead to that discovery?
I started having dreams of vampires. A man coming to me and letting me feed. It was bizarre; I never had a fascination with vampires growing up. Never went through a Gothic phase, though I did like to wear black, so it came as a shock for me to start having these dreams.
I moved to Houston to be with this Gothic man down there. That relationship ended fairly quickly. But I did meet some cool people there. After that I started admitting that I must be a vampire. I tasted my first blood down there, and noticed that my eyes would burn from direct sunlight. Nothing like catching on fire, just an ache in the eyes.
What was it like admitting to this, was it as difficult as being a witch or different?
No, this was more out there. At least with being a witch, more people were accepting. Most people were I should say.
How did you come to realize you also had Fae and Mermaid within you? What was that realization like? Was it easier than admitting to the vampyre side?
I came to realize it about the same time, may be a year or so before or after. It was a little easier to admit that I was Fae or mermaid because most just accept that as part of paganism.
A lot overlaps with the Wiccan aspect, but when you mention Vampirism people tend to see that as evil.
More so than Wiccan.
Were there any dreams like the vampirism or any little quirks during the time?
Just the fact that I was constantly brushing my hair, it was almost like an obsession. Yes, I had some dreams but nothing as substantial as the vampire dreams.
So it was more or a sense knowing?
What has life been like since growth wise?
I find that I am constantly growing in this knowledge. There are always new questions to ask from people who have walked it longer. I never stop learning. It remains a struggle with being myself. Unfortunately you cannot walk down the street every day in Gothic clothing without someone looking at you weird. Going to the clubs is one thing, but to walk down the street is hard.
That would be the reason the separation of dayside and nightside for most, how would you describe the community?
I immensely love the community. They have helped me a lot. My only problem is having to weed out those who like playing a vampire. Not everyone is what they say they are, usually those are the ones who claim they never die or they want you to turn them. They do it for the coolness factor
And would you have any advice for those going through their awakenings?
My advice would be to seek out those who have already been there to help understand what is happening. It is not wise to go through it alone.
Thank you for your time.”
“Southernwolf is a wolf kin living in Pennsylvania who has been part of the community since his teens, and now at age 42, has plenty of experience to share.
How young were you when you first realized, “hey, I’m a bit different.”?
I think I’ve always known. But by grade school as early as second grade I knew I was different. I could tell I didn’t fit in.
What told you you didn’t?
No one. I wasn’t the type of person you would say that too, but I could see that what interested other people was different from me. My curiosities were more morbid.
By junior high and high school I really felt out of place and did get ostracized and found safety in the punk and Goth crowd.
What did they ostracize you for exactly?
I enjoyed poetry, art, had a fascination with death, other cultures, religions and being gay was a big factor as well. I suppose I was typical where dress was concerned for Goths at the time.
But even beyond looks, it was my not wanting to buy into the norm that set me apart. I found the cliques dreadful and I was in the position to be a part of them. I just couldn’t see the purpose in that sort of social structure.
In junior high I was already trying out Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, Taoism, I tried finding myself in anything and everything. I think for most people that sort of self discovery is a bad thing. It’s much easier at that age to just try to fit in.
But the Wolf was always there. That I felt as a child.
I think my being a Wolf, I suppose people equate it with Werewolf and there are similarities, but I often like many of my kind just refer to Wolf as a complete identity.
“I am Wolf.”
It’s just a matter of semantics I suppose.
And how did you feel connected to the wolf? How did you come to realize that “hey, I’m a wolf”?
I was always raised around dogs. I grew up in a sort of rural area so we had feral dogs and our own dogs. I found myself more attracted (not in a sexual sense) to them than people. I remember hearing my first Wolf howl on television. I don’t remember how. But I just remember that instance where my body seemed to feel a longing that was of such great depth.
The more I read of them, watched them in movies and on TV, I simply knew that I was from them.
My father is Creek. He grew up in a children’s home and never knew his people. I always felt that in many ways. I was brought up by people not of my kind and was fortunate enough to have discovered my heritage.
And that is Creek, as in Muskogee, not Greek.
Creek was your blood related father?
No, he is from the Creek tribe of native Americans.
Ah, did you ever have any animalistic urges that they speak of in the lore? The urge to howl or such?
Sure. I have a very predatorily nature. I have primal urges that I keep in check. They come out in my sexuality but there is that need to hunt. I walk in a crowd and smell prey. It can be brutal and primal but there is also a great sense of loyalty and honor that comes from the Pack nature.
And what would be considered prey to you?
Prey to me sexually is simply that which I desire. Prey in the broader sense is sheeple in general.
Maybe that is a Wolf thing. Our word for “people”.
Would people include otherkin and the such?
Never. At least not for me.
You have Wolves and those who like Wolf play. It’s the difference between a part-timer and a lifer.
How would you define a wolf player?
Someone who simply likes the Wolf as an identity like some furries (though I know furries who are truly Wolf) or people who like to role play as red-riding hood and the big bad wolf. Or people who just have a fetish for the whole shape shifting thing or the transformation.
I have great respect for people who have the Wolf as a spirit guide or totem. But they are not Wolf.
Just as with the Vamp community – Twilight makes me ill.
Was it difficult at all to adjust to having the identity of a wolf in your life?
Not at all. I was lucky through the punk and alternative clubs to have found a Pack. I lost many of them over the years so am Lone now. But Wolves are clever at navigating being 24/7 ourselves without feeling odd. It’s mostly just a sense of frustration and irritation.
Frustration and irritation?
I do know some Brothers and Sisters who have a harder time.
Just a frustration that people so blindly walk about accepting fate and circumstances as a given, people who have no dignity, sense of loyalty, collectivism. It is hard to deal with people who aren’t Wolf because they think in such individualistic terms.
For me the world is “mine” and “not mine”. Things are very simple.
I know my territory and what I mark. It is confusing to me when I deal with fickleness. Not with the little things. Everyone even Wolves can be fickle with tastes and preferences. But I mean just that empty sort of fickleness at having no purpose or true sense of self.
Could you give an example to what you mean by blindly walking about accepting fate?
A man wakes up, hits the alarm, gets dressed, kisses the kids and heads into work bitching about the weather or whatnot. He doesn’t think that the moment he opens his eyes, each of those acts is a conscious decision. He just assumes it’s what I “have to do”. It’s just “making a living”. A Wolf knows that nothing is a given. Each movement is a choice and there is a keen awareness of how those choices impact and ripple to others. It is the Pack mindset. A Wolf always thinks of the Pack first. There is “mine” and “not mine” but that is only in the sense of belonging to something. The Pack, my Brothers and Sisters, our fellow kin, they are our self-awareness. Without them, we cease to be.
So I don’t understand sheeple who simply narrowly live life to get by, just walk through their day with a sense of routine that is absent of a bigger understanding.
So you feel they’re not reaching their potential?
They reach their potential in as much as it is possible for them to. They were born empty of spirit and simply borrow from our kin to be full. They adopt our natures never realizing where those natures first arose. They long ago forgot our kin and turned us into idols that mirrored their own sense of being.
We are their demons and what good they found in us they made into Gods.
Do you think it’s possible for a sheeple to reach a higher potential? Such as witches and such?
Yes. They see us as not simply demons but the essence of life itself.
They are not sheeple.
How would sheeple borrow from otherkin to be full?
It’s a long story, but man looked at the creatures around him before our recorded time began, he borrowed from them the tools to survive such as hunting. He found greater sense of the Earth through our harmony and then began to group and order himself according to what he observed.
It is in the nature of man to mimic, it is in his ignorance to forget the source.
How would you say life is now for you, growth and learning wise?
There are not many true Wolves around. I am lucky to know enough of them and have met more online to feel a connectedness to my kind. I always continue to learn from both my own and my kin. I think that we are beginning to grow into communities and rediscover what was lost to us. Life is as always a wonder.
I think that for our being “dark”, we tend to often be the most positive at times
Indeed, is there anything you’d like to say to others going through awakenings?
I think many can awaken through the our portrayals in books and film, but once that spark has started an ember it is time to find the reality behind the myth. I think the best advice is to find an elder who can untangle the “trendy” from the truth.
Thank you very much for your time and sharing your story with us.”
“Jedah is a Broohah [a violent warrior type vampire] who’s been involved in the New York community for 20 years.
How young were you when you first realized that you weren’t exactly “normal”?
11years old, the only thing back then and now. Was. I did not know the different between vampire and lyicans. I thought you’re vampire side only show’ed when a full moon was around, but thank my dad for teaching me the difference.
Your dad taught you?
Yeah, the head of clan.
How did you know you were a vampyre? What happened to make you realize you were?
Well I always felt I was but I got more in tune with it when I was in my late 20′s after my ex broke my heart.
Well after being engaged for a year and making plains to pick a church and stuff like that I found out she was already married. After, my Broohah side kicked in more you would say, because after that I became more. Tuff, stronger on side in other words: Jedah was not laying down taking the crap any more.
When you came more into it how did your father react?
My vamp father or my birth father?
The one that taught you
Well that would be my vamp father, at the time I meet him my vamp side was already in full bloom. He just did, a lil extra fine. Running.
And what is the clan name?
Did you have difficulty adjusting to being a vampyre?
Nope I kind love the adjustment
How is life different now than before your awakening?
I’m would say I don’t get walked all over any more. And I’m much better in the bed rooms.
Do you have any advice for those going through an awakening?
Hmmm, once you figure it out, you’re way you are the way you are, don’t half as it when it comes to your name. Your blood Line don’t half ass it do the work that needs to be done
Thank you for your time and sharing your story with us.”
“Snowangel is a hybrid psi/sang vampire in Ontario, Canada, the North West of the state currently lacking a large community.
You mentioned earlier that you’ve known since you were young what you are, how young were you?
As far back as I can remember whenever I got a cut or scratch or something, the first thing I did was suck the blood. As I got older the desire got greater. The psi, I just always did, I had to teach myself to control it.
So it was always just a part of you? Where there any events that occurred that really made you notice, “Hey, I’m different”?
Not many of my friends …ok all of my friends always got weirded out by the blood thing so that was my first hint. The fact that I could connect more with people than most, as I grew older and experienced more and strong needs; I started looking into things.
By connect more with people, what do you mean?
I don’t know really. Some I could let get close and some would set off what I finally started labeling “red flags” and most often the warnings were right.
So you had a greater sense of others’ essence; what did “red flags” typically feel like or what let you know to stay away?
It was just a ..I don’t know how to put it to words a shudder or prickly avoid that person feeling.
As you got older you said your needs got stronger, how did those compare to when you were younger?
I expect it was more that I understood more. I find I need to feed more, be it one way or the other than when I was younger. Looking back, I expect now it was always there, I just didn’t know how to identify it.
When you couldn’t identify it, where there things you would do to try to satisfy the need?
Well the sucking of my own cuts, but that never did much but cure the need for the taste. I was always trying to help people solve problems….to take away their negative energy.
How did you find out you were a vampyre, when did that name/archetype come to you?
I didn’t really know until I started doing some research. Then of all things I met One from the same house that helped me trace back to my House.
The vampire part, I think was first kinda of seeded by the movies sadly enough, but confirmed by the research and then again by finding my brother.
Your brother, was he the one who helped you find your house?
How did that meeting happen?
He had a chat room on a site I go to. He and His prime and I got to talking one night about our life paths and while we were tracing back she was comparing notes and showing him.
What do you mean by comparing notes?
As He and I were talking she was paying close attention and was noticing similarities in the conversation
Ah, so by those similarities were you made brother and sister?
Not made no, we came to realize that we were from the same house.
And what house is that?
You mentioned before she was your brother’s Prime, what does that mean?
What was it like after finding your brother and house?
It was enlightening; a relief to know that I wasn’t alone more than anything.
How would you say your nightside life is going now learning and growing wise?
I don’t think I will ever really stop learning and growing because I am very curious about it. Knowing that there are others out there that I can ask questions of and get straight answers from makes things much easier to accept and puts me at ease with who I am.
You said before your family would not admit to your existence, does that bother you at all now?
Not really…they are conformed to society’s beliefs
Is there anything you’d like others to know who are going through the awakening process?
Don’t be scared of it. Welcome it and seek knowledge on how to deal with it.
Thank you very much for sharing your time and your experience with us.”
No one person is alike, and neither are their awakenings. Each has their own background, their own beliefs, and circumstances in life:
You could be the heart broken man who came back stronger, the child that heard the wolf’s howl and found his own, the woman who lost her children due to her beliefs, or the empathetic child licking her cuts and weirding out her friends.
There is no set standard of where you need to come from or how to be, though a general ethics has been drawn up; this is the nightside where the differences that set us apart in the dayside rein.