Archive for Tuesday, 10 April, 2012

A Vampire, A Church Social and a Big Blue Bunny named Bill

Posted: Tuesday, 10 April, 2012 by deacongray in Editorials

“ I don’t think kids should watch Twilight or True Blood. If they somehow do end up watching one of those shows, their parents should sit them down and make them read “Touched by a Vampire” and “The Twilight Gospel” But the real danger is from the subculture.” – Overheard at Easter Picnic

Free chili and BBQ chicken only has so much appeal for me, but never the less the yearly non denominational Christian Easter Egg hunt at the activity field just across the river somehow manages to draw my sons attention. I think it is the guy dressed in the big blue bunny outfit, or maybe it is the screaming frolicking kids running everywhere while parents try to either find a sunny spot, or a shady spot depending the weather.
Either way with my own son playing a game of kick the man in the bunny suit, along with all the other kids, I found myself focused on the conversation several of the ladies including my day care provider, had worked themselves up too. Like any wise man has learned and the slightly alert man can figure out, it was a conversation I wanted nothing to do with, so I settled for yelling at my kid to stop kicking the poor bastard in the bunny suit. I wasn’t to be let off that easily.
“I know just who you should talk too about vampires. He knows all about them, his wife says he spends a lot of time researching and reading about them, not just the books, but the people involved with it.”
It was my daycare provider speaking and with a quick look around I realized there was no quick escape. “Deacon, this is Teresa from the Living Waters Non Denominational Christian Church.”
I put on a smile and shook her hand, then looked for my boy hoping to use it as an excuse not to have this conversation. “We were just talking about Vampire books and the subculture, and I understand you are kind of an expert on the subject. Would you answer some questions for us?”
OK so I want to explain something. I have a big ego. Sure, many of you know it already, but I admit it, no sense in denying what is so plainly true. Having four or five Christian Mothers around wanting to listen to me speak is just the thing to make my ego flare…but I am not normally that stupid. “Eh, well yes. Right now though I need to find my son, I think he is about to kill the Easter bunny.”
I tried to smile, I know it came off weak and insincere. “Oh don’t worry about Bill, he is the Easter bunny every year. He is my husband and as much as he says he hates it, he always does it. I think he just likes to be able to complain for the next week or two about the bruises. So anyway, don’t you think the twilight series is misleading our youth today?”
I spotted my boy just as he kicked the man in a baby blue bunny outfit in the leg, while another jumped on his back. The guy looked like he was in pain. “Are you sure he is ok with all that? I mean those kids can be pretty vicious.”
“Oh don’t worry about a thing, I have plenty of ice packs and its good for his soul.”
Teresa was almost exactly what you might picture when you think of a woman who has spent too much time in the church social circles trying to be the queen bee. She was short and a little plump, but her hair and makeup were done with a vigor you normally only see in fourteen year old girls and clowns. Her hair was streaked with black and white, tones I am sure she would have killed her own daughter for wearing only a few years back, and though she dressed in a pants suit, she still managed to frame her more than ample bosoms in a low cut v-neck shirt.  The agony on Jesus’s face seemed perfectly in place as he hung on the crucifix crushed between her large breasts. I found myself wondering if Jesus could breath, then quickly refocused as I saw my own son grabbing a plastic ball bat and hurry toward the bunny.
“Twilight, well I will be honest most vampires and gothic subcultures see it as mild entertainment or just stupid.”
Teresa nodded her head eagerly. “I bet it is too mild for them. I mean there aren’t any chain saws, and not much pornography, not in the surface level anyway. I mean the boy says he wants to wait to have sex with her, but we all know the guy has to be a homosexual or something. Besides it is kind of stupid, after all an immortal high schooler who loves a girl who he thinks smells bad? That’s just stupid.”
I was struck by her comment almost as hard as her husband was struck by the plastic ball bat. I heard him yell, and looked over for my son, who had dropped the bat, but was now running in circles around the bunny man singing a song that I am pretty sure he was making up on the spot. “Bunnies poop eggs! You are an egg pooper! Mr. Eeeegggg pooper man!” The other kids joined in and all started running around him singing and laughing about eggs being pooped out of a Bunny. One turned and stuck his butt in the air and pretended to fart. Bill kicked him in the rump with a big fuzzy foot.
“I should get my son, I think he is making your husband mad.”

“Oh don’t be silly. Bill loves kids! Look, they are just playing and having a great time why not let him be?”
Bill was turning around and around as he tried to get a hold of another one of the kids while plainly getting dizzy.
“I worry about the impact of the subculture on our youth. I read a book, and in it they said that the vampire subculture believes that Lilith is their ancestor. You know Lilith, the one from the lesbian fair?”
I felt my own head spinning a little, and wondered if Bill was feeling the same way.

“Lilith was, according the Hebrew mythology the first wife of Adam who rebelled against gods wishes for her to be submissive to men in every way. She refused and was cast out. While some might believe there is a Lilith connection most of the people in the vampire culture think of her as a figure from mythology who either does or doesn’t hold special significance. There is a lot more too it, other cultures are involved, other mythologies, but her connection to modern vampire culture is pretty thin in most of their eyes. Most just see her a symbol of a strong independent woman”
My son had noticed I was watching him so he moved away from the bunny, and part of me wondered if he was just taking a breather for the next assault. “Well woman should be submissive to men. God says it himself, “Women be submissive to your husbands.”

I wanted to ask her if she was submissive to poor old Bill the Bunny, but his bright pink bow tie told me the answer. Bill was more than just a little henpecked if I guessed right. Teresa didn’t seem like a woman who took kindly to the part of the bible that said Women be quiet in church.
“I mean what are our children learning from all of this? The Vampires teach promiscuity, they teach little kids to believe in creatures that are fantastic and unrealistic. Vampires are supposed to have the power to live beyond death, and they come out of their crypts and drink blood.”
I looked at the big blue Easter Bunny, then thought about the Jesus that was fighting for air between her large breasts and didn’t know what to say.
“If we allow our kids to read these books like “Twilight” they start dressing up like them. Next thing you know we have some kids biting people, or worse like that boy out of Washington who killed his girlfriend’s family. He had a whole cult of Vampire followers you know.”
The Easter Bunny grabbed one of the little boys hard and I stood up. Another ran up behind him and placed a kick right below his fluffy white tail, the impact sending the man forward as he released the kid he had a hold of. “Oh that had too of hurt!”

I muttered, but they were still focused on the vampire cult murders in Canada ( not Washington). “Yes it hurt a lot of people, these vampire cults even abducted a girl from Florida, and took her all the way to Washington and did horrible things to her, I heard they even did that water boarding thing. I can’t believe they would dunk her in water like that. She believed she was going to be an immortal vampire, poor thing. What was her name Ramona? Was it Shelly something?”

Part of me wondered if baptism could be considered waterboarding, the other part of me wanted to know if she read the national inquirer, or weekly world news for her information.

“Well I don’t know about that. There was a case a year or so ago that I remember, the parents said she was taken by vampire cultists but it turned out she ran away from home because her parents were shoving too much religion down her throat.”
Nodded the lady rolled her eyes. “It was those Southern Baptists. I am always saying they are too hard on their kids, they just don’t have a lot of human compassion. Look at us, we let out kids have fun. See how much fun they are having with Bill?”
I looked over and saw bill on the ground with one boy hitting him with the plastic bat, while my own son was sitting on his chest pulling on his mask. “Oh yes tons of fun…but I think your husband might be hurt.”

“Oh Poo, he is fine, like I said he loves kids. You see he is getting up and they are about to play tag or something, see he is running.”
He was running alright, he was running for his minivan with all the kids after him swinging plastic bats, forks from their dinners, and various other things including a cord that one of the kids was swinging at the bunny with all the might of her seven years, I wonder if she had been water…baptized yet.
I had enough. My own son is not allowed to act that way, but with all the other kids on the prowl my son had no issue in leading the attacks. I had to do something before the old guy ended up dead from a heart attack or exhaustion from running around in that suit in nearly 80 degree weather.
“Excuse me Ladies I need to get my boy to his soccer practice.”
“OH…well have a nice day! Perhaps you would consider talking about the subculture as a guest speaker at our church?”  I was already in a dead sprint. My son saw me first and made a right turn that I am positive can only be accomplish in the movies, while the others, not knowing what danger I might be stopped dead and screamed, then turned laughing and ran. The Bunny lay on the ground panting.

“Hey you ok Bill?”
His massive paw came up and grabbed my arm. “They were trying to kill me! Those kids are the spawn of the devil!”
I helped him to his feet and walked him over to his car as we got the head of his outfit off. “I am sorry, your wife kept telling us you were just having fun.”
The guy had a bald head and thick grey eyebrows that in themselves reminded me a little of a rabbit. I am pretty sure he was in his late fifties, but pale, and soaked with sweat he looked like he could have been older still. “You were talking to my wife?”
He asked, his big blue eyes bright as he looked at me. “You’re not going to hit me are you?”
Stunned I wasn’t sure what to say so I just shook my head. “My wife knows how to bring out the fury in a man, I think she feeds on it.”

He laughed a little, but something in his eyes made me think he just might believe it was true.

“No, I think those kids did enough for one day. Maybe you should take a break and go hang out with the ladies, get a cool drink and maybe some food.”
He wiped his brow and looked over to where the ladies where watching, then back at me and grabbed his rabbit head.

“I would rather deal with the kids.”

He pushed the rabbits mask back on his head and slowly started walking toward the pack of children. “They don’t suck the life out of you.”